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Friday, November 17, 2017

I Never Got To Meet Her, But I Still Miss Her

It's not something I dwell on. A lot of people outside our family members, don't even know. It isn't in the front of my mind everyday, but the thought does pop up at surprising times and it has the power to stop me in my tracks. I had a miscarriage. I lost my first baby. I miscarried early in my pregnancy so for a long time I didn't equate our loss with those who have lost their babies further into their pregnancies. I mean I didn't get to feel any movement or kicks. I didn't get to see my belly grow. But I have come to know that loss is loss. I have also come to know that I am not alone.

We had been through a couple of years of fertility treatments when I finally got pregnant. We had been open to our families about the treatments, so of course they knew the day we were due to have the pregnancy test and began calling us immediately after our appointment wanting the results. Everyone was so excited, including my husband an I. When the doctor called to say I was pregnant, I was in awe and wonder that things had finally worked! Knowing there was a tiny baby inside me was a magical feeling. One evening about 7 weeks into the pregnancy, we had spent time with my parents. As we were headed home I realized I felt different. My husband even asked if I felt okay and I told him I didn't think I was pregnant anymore. No pain. No bleeding. Nothing. It was just a feeling, a shift of some kind. Being an infertility patient meant I was getting sonograms 3 times a week and my regular appointment was scheduled for the next day, but I knew what they would find. I think my husband was hoping I was wrong and that it was just the wacky hormone levels, but as soon as the nurse was doing the sonogram, I saw the look on her face. I didn't really know what to feel. I felt... empty. I wasn't actively crying, but tears were sliding down the sides of my face since I was still laying on the exam table. The nurse had left to get my doctor. They were double checking and I just said "she's gone"... I had felt like I was having a girl from the moment the test came back positive. My doctor said all the things they say when that happens and said we could try again after the hormone levels came back down. We drove home and I just felt hollow. When we got back home my husband went to get a shower so he could go to work. I didn't know what to do and I don't know why but I went and got into the shower with him and just bawled my eyes out while he held me up. We did go back to the fertility doctor a few months later, but we kept it a secret because it was just as hard having to tell everyone we lost a baby as it was to lose the baby itself. My husband was so awesome, he even learned to give me the shots himself so we could keep everything secret. I knew I would fall apart if we lost another, but, I really could not bear the thought of having to face family and friends and say the words out loud over and over again and watch their heart break too.

We did get pregnant again and other than one 6 week scare, had a dream pregnancy and were blessed with a beautiful baby boy. I have thought about her over the years. Wondered what might have been.... What she would have been like, would she have liked the things I like, would she have looked like me or her Daddy.... right now she would be 18 years old. After that one big cry, I have not really cried for her again... until writing this. She was only in the early stages of her development. I never even got to see her and I miss her.

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