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Sunday, December 23, 2012

Merry Christmas to All.....

     As I write this we are a few hours from Christmas Eve Day and my mind is racing as usual. I haven't done the things I wanted to for this Christmas, there still seems to be so much to do, not enough time or money to do it and it just has not felt much like Christmas. 
     I try to stay positive but sometimes everything just gets to me and this year it has done that more than I would like to admit. My year was turned upside down by the actions of others. Their lies and deceit ended a very important project that was near and dear to my heart (volunteering at my son's school). It affected me more than I should have let it, but I felt betrayed by people that SHOULD behave better. I expected better of them, but I was naive. I have tried to tell myself that everything happens for a reason because I do believe that. I believe that even when we can't see the reason for a given situation or event, that there is a reason. I do know that even though I was deeply hurt by what happened, it WAS for the best because if I had continued at the school I would have been even more unhappy because they made so many changes this year and none of them have been positive changes. I could not have been in the middle of it. So my mind knows everything is happening for a reason, but I'm having a hard time telling my heart.
     This year was also hard on my family. My dad has had diabetes for a several years now and was doing pretty good and controlling it with medications. We started  some changes and within a short while he was wheezing  when he walked anywhere, even from one room to another. He didn't look well and was not able to keep his sugar as well controlled. During this time mom suddenly became ill as well and was diagnosed with diabetes. But that didn't explain all her symptoms and she has been too weak to help with Dad and has had to take leave of her job. In the meantime, He went to the doctor and they were running all kinds of tests when they found he had had a mild heart attack at some point. So they did more tests and scheduled him for a heart cath. to check it out. They found a blockage. It was at the very top of the bundle of veins that come down over the front of the heart. It was the type of situation they cal the "Widow Maker"... while they were in there they attempted to put in a stent. It didn't work. The blockage was 100% and too hard for them to thread the wire through. Mom got too weak before Dad was even taken back for the procedure and had to be taken home. It was so stressful to be there knowing something could go wrong.... Dad was sent home with some meds and told to think about what he wanted to do next, either go to a bigger hospital and attempt another stent or go ahead with bypass surgery.  He was going to jump in with both feet and go for the biggie: have the bypass. I don't particularly care for his local heart Dr, but I thank God the Dr didn't listen to Dad and instead set him up for a second stent procedure. So a week after the first attempt, He was once again having things threaded through his veins. This time successfully. They has to put in two stents because the blockage was quite large, but it worked. Now just weeks later with a totally amended diet since before the first stent attempt, he has lost around 50 pounds, has his color back and is doing his exercises. So thankful for those improvements! Mom is still having her issues and we don't know much more yet. I pray that the new year brings us answers and solutions there.
     With all the anxiety I have felt over my parents issues, stresses in my own household, the things going on in this county I dearly love, it has shaped up to being a year of what feels like small accomplishments, small joys, and sparse happiness. I don't look back on it with much fondness and I hope we don't repeat it anytime soon. I am looking forward to just trying to relax for the next couple of days and recharge and renew my spirit and resolve. I don't really make New Year's resolutions, but I am going to do my very best to get back to the me that I am happy with! I haven't liked myself much lately. If only it was as easy as a simple LIKE button! 
      I pray you have a very Merry Christmas. I pray you are surrounded by those you love and know that those you're missing are always with you as long as you keep them in your heart. I hope you are where you want to be, that you like yourself.  I hope that you forget the hurts, exercise forgiveness, learn from the mistakes and take only the best of the past year into the New Year so that only joy and happiness can reside within you.  May you be blessed in all you do!  

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